Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
