My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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