that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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