Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
