She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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