Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
