Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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