weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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