Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
