not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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