Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
