also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
