apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
