enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
