BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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