I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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