we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
