You're so nebulous sometimes
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
