I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
