We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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