Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
