yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
