not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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