in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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