Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
