I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
