you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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