He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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