Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize