Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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