Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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