I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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