I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
