No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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