Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am puke
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
