i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
