Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
