Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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