Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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