I met the friendliest cop last night
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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