At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
