Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
