so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
