So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They are going to name an STD after you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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