i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
