I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
