Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
