her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
