Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well I just put wine in my tea
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
