I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
