I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
