My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize