I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I've blown a few things in my day
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
