I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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