hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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