I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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