She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
