How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
