Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
